I was consistent in blogging and podcasting last year. 2023 was my most focused year for BSR. Yet, never have I been in such a low valley as I have these last couple months. It took everything I could to get January’s content out to yall.
My heart aches. My emotions are dry. I lost my purpose, my energy, my enthusiasm. My prayers are emotionless. I have no passion. It’s like my entire life has been wrung through an old fashioned wringer and I have been stripped of everything.
My dreams shattered. I tried to hold onto them. I even saw some hope that perhaps God would work this year. But I’m empty. I’m lacking hope and faith like never before in my life. I’m bombarded with lies from the enemy all day, to which it takes all the energy I have to quote the truth instead. Jobs words seem to escape my lips in the night, The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.
My heart knows the truth. God has proved Himself to me many times. But I’m tired. I wonder some days why I’m even here. I think many times if I were to drop off the face of the earth I wouldn’t be missed. But I don’t actually think that’s true. It’s just feelings I have, feeling lost and purposeless.
I have not brought one person to the Lord. I have not served God cheerfully. I lack the faith that is required to seek God wholeheartedly. My pride, selfishness, and people pleasing tendencies, weigh heavy on me when I realize it is keeping me from living the life God wants me to live. The life that brings true joy and peace. I cry out to God for mercy everytime my head hits the pillow. What is my life??
I know I have written in the past about how we need to trust God. How we need to seek His face no matter what’s going on. I see hope when it’s other people, but just like Job, when the situation happens to me I lose hope. I force my soul to praise God because I know He’s good. If I look around me I am blessed beyond measure.
But my heart cries out for something I cannot have. My dream which has built over the last 12 years shows no hope of being fulfilled. I wonder quite frequently if perhaps it’s time to move on. Perhaps these dreams are all mine and not actually God’s will for my life. I know God is good so I revolt to the problem must be with me.
Everyone I know would agree with me. They would say too that I should let go of these dreams. He took all hope away of them actually happening. Or perhaps it’s that He will still fulfill them and my added thoughts and ideas over the years are exactly that… mine.
I have trusted God to lead me. To guide me. To make His way known. I have taken Him at His Word and trusted His promises etched throughout scripture, yet my flesh has given up. When the disciples were waiting at Gethsemane while Jesus prayed I can relate to them so well. Jesus encourages them to get up and pray, that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
My flesh is done.
I told God if He doesn’t do something by the end of the year that I’m done, but my flesh cannot wait that long. One month into 2024 and I have given up.
FB has been where I share my heart with my friends and family, but I have decided to stay off of social for awhile. Every time I would get on I would end up having thoughts of jealousy, bitterness, frustration, hurt, or giving up. Was the content I was seeing bad? No. Not at all. But the season my heart is in, doesn’t receive the encouragement the posts are meant to bring.
I wanted to update my peeps because I love y’all so much, that I just need a break. My heart can’t take it right now. I need to set aside time away from the world and focus on my family and friends before me, and most importantly get back on track in my relationship with God.
I do not plan on being gone forever. BSR is one thing I know God wants to remain a part of my life. I am excited to see what He has planned for this ministry in the future and can’t wait to get back at it again. I do not know how long I will be away, but Lord willing it won’t be long.
Love y’all ❤️
Continue to praise God and draw ever closer to Him, no matter what season of life you are in. He is worthy of our praise.
Happy Running! See ya soon.
Be Still and Run 