Though this is a longer post than usual, I felt sharing this much from my past was necessary for the topic.

Where I was

When I was saved at a young age I honestly had no idea what I was in for.

I had no idea that I would be abandoned by most of my friends, that I would experience abuse of different kinds, and that I would struggle with feeling loved.

I would have never guessed that fear would control my life and that I would be constantly afraid of getting hurt or doing the wrong thing. 

I didn’t know I would become disrespectful and bitter, hardened and alone.

I had no idea that at some point most people who knew me would say it looked as though I was doing just fine, and from the outside that could have been true, but on the inside I would be locked in a prison, blindfolded, and tortured day and night, where it was dark, wet, and void of sunlight.

By the time I realized what was going on, it was too late to stop it.

For years I had tried to be someone I wasn’t. I had tried my best to let no one into my heart. I had attempted to be the person everyone thought I should be. But I couldn’t.

My relationship with God was a struggle.

At one point the thought had crossed my mind, “Is God even real?”

Sins I never thought would have crossed my mind, had. 

I was tempted to commit suicide feeling like no one would notice if I just disappeared one day.

I struggled to get out of bed.

I figured love was only for those who were married and even then, everyone talked as if marriage was horrible.

I wasn’t sure what the Holy Spirit was laying on my heart as opposed to what the enemy was whispering in my ear.

I didn’t know what to do because there were too many differing opinions. 

I thought all guys were out to get me because every guy I had contact with seemed to hurt me in some way.

I felt stuck, useless, and like a burden. 

I felt like no one cared about me as a person, only what I could do for them.

To put it short, I was a mess!

The Breakdown

My first breakdown was in 2019.  I realized that I was praying for help and my closest friend had been helping girls for years. Why hadn’t I asked her? I finally swallowed my pride and asked.  She challenged me to write down every lie that I believed.  And I filled a page with them.  But as I did I realized my heart was open and the wounds were exposed. I texted her to let her know I needed to take care of this or I was going to shove it all back down. 

She must have known the danger of this and that night we called. 

She took me through each lie and exposed it as such, saying things like even though I feel such-and-such way, the bible says this. And I’m telling you, I cried more that night than I had ever cried before.

I’m going to be graphic here, but I feel like it needs to be seen in such a light. Each lie that my friend took me through, it was as if she was ripping off a bandage that had been left on a deep wound for far too long and was now greatly infected, oozing out from underneath the plastic edges with puss. The crusted parts that had been exposed to the air was then scraped off, peroxide was poured in, the wound was dried out, filled with an antibiotic ointment and then bandaged properly.

It was a painful process. 

The whole page of wounds was cleaned out and re-bandaged. But this time, the right way.

She didn’t stop with what I wrote on that page.  She asked if there was anything else that needed to be shared. We found some hidden wounds exposed that had greatly affected how I lived my life.  Ones that were at the root of all the other wounds.

To be honest though. 

Even though I had shared those deeper wounds, I didn’t allow the Holy Spirit to clean them up until four years later, which leads into my second breakdown in 2023.

The Second Breakdown

At the end of 2022 God led two other people into my life that I had no idea God would use to clean up those deeper wounds. They were patient, forgiving, and loved me in a way I felt they had no ulterior motive.  It took a long time to heal from those deeper wounds. The pain was so great that I would curl up into a ball and cry.  It hurt so bad, I could feel it deep within me. I never realized how much a childhood trauma could greatly affect the way someone lives. Especially when it happens at such a young age and to an adult would seem to be a silly overreacting little girl.

What did this breakdown look like?

Days, weeks, and months of crying.

These wounds were not easy to heal from. It took a lot of honesty and a lot of surrender to God’s leadings.

Two Years Later – 2025

I was living a “bubble life”.

Life seemed to be falling apart around me, but I felt like I was floating right though it with no problem.

I would be lying though if I didn’t tell you that I was still struggling.  Growing up, it seemed as though everyone except me was born with a nature to do what is right.  I felt like the battle between my flesh and spirit was mine alone.  It didn’t seem as though others struggled with this. And it didn’t matter how much I tried to tell myself I wasn’t the only one, I didn’t see it as truth. 

However, as God healed me from things, I began to see differently.

After each of the breakdowns I willingly offered my life to Christ.  I felt so free.

Each time I broke free from something or God began to heal me in an particular area of my life, I experienced a whole new level of life I didn’t know existed.

My love for the Lord increased.

There seemed to be blindfolds that came off my eyes.

Things began to make more sense. 

I saw God working in the background.

I saw Him answering prayers. 

But at the same time, I was more convicted of my sin.

I saw the helplessness of others, the hopelessness, the hurt beneath the smiles…

Things hurt me more. 

Yet I could run to Jesus with all my pain and questions, hurt and confusion.  I could reach out to friends and share what waas on my heart. 

Then it was like I received this peace that God’s got it under control. 

When things weren’t going my way I had the chance to grow closer to Christ through it. I had the chance to watch God keep His promise of working all things out for my good.  I could look through scripture and wait in hope to see Him work.

Seeking God’s Face Over His Hands

I have come to realize from my heart that life isn’t about anything temporal. God uses the things that are in this world to teach, shape, mold and conform us into the person He wants us to become, but everything else is secondary. His primary goal is a relationship with Him.

This is where God has me right now. He keeps telling me to stop fighting, stop worrying, and just focus on Him. My life is continually revolving around the fact that He loves me deeply and intimately. He loves me with loving-kindness and mercy, with forgiveness and grace.

One thing that has been huge for me to grasp is that the relationship I have craved all these years can be found in God.

Seeking after time spent with Him rather than asking Him for things has changed my perspective on life.

I have been struggling with spending more time in silence with Him because I feel like I should always be doing something.

The stillness and silence is scary.

Why?

Because all my life, love was based off of doing.

I felt I had to earn it.

But with God, He’s loved me since before the world began.

I don’t have to earn it.

I can just rest in it.

And this is what Be Still and Run is all about… Getting women excited about their relationship with God because everything we crave and desire can be found in a day full of His presence.

Seeking His face and not His hands is all about a relationship with Him.

Hands work.

A face is to behold.

Our goal should be to seek His face.

When thou sadist, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek. – Psalm 27:8

Seek the Lord, and His strength: seek His face evermore. – Psalm 105:4

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land. – 2 Chronicles 7:14

Until Next Time,

Happy Running!

Psalm